cowboy, cowboy feel

that i should maybe stop neglecting this blog so much. maybe if i start writing in it more often, i'll be able to write again, period.

---

+ my left shoulder and neck have been hurting pretty badly since wednesday. i love my job, but it's even worse when i'm standing back in the kitchen or with my head bent down making sandwiches. good thing i'm off until thursday. called the doctor this morning, but i'm not sure what they'll tell me because i have no health insurance. i'm hoping they'll suggest a free clinic or something. that, or feel sorry for me?

+ unfoooortunately, i doubt a free clinic will help me out with some other issues that i'm not sure how to deal with. really fancying someone who is miles away is bothersome enough, and when you start feeling an even greater distance than the one that's already there, it can get downright depressing. on top of that, i have no idea how to communicate my thoughts/feelings in a situation like this, as usual. i could write them out with some success, but when i try to talk about things that really bother me, i get tongue-tied and brash.

+ i really need to brave it up and learn to drive, because i totally missed out on a potluck/circus practice last night and just sat at home, listening to music and thinking about stuff in a haze caused by rampant abuse of baby motrin because that's all we have after i wiped out our stores of advil.

my cat is making them right now, and it's not even close to meowing. everytime she opens her mouth, it's like a whispery chirping. i don't think she's choking either because she looks pretty cool with this weird noise that is coming out of her mouth.

last night i had a strange dream. i was sleeping in someone's bed ( i have no idea who it belonged to ). we both woke up and realized that someone else was in the room. i remember wedging my self between the bed and the wall to hide because i felt like they were there to hurt me. i imagine that there's nothing worse than trying to hide from someone/thing meant to harm you and knowing that you're doing a pretty shitty job of it. anyway, i was apparently doing a pretty shitty job of it because the person came over and shot me in the head.

now it wasn't as violent as it sounds. there wasn't any blood or any screaming. i just felt a pressure on my head and then i woke up feeling angry that i hadn't fought back.

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ahhh! i have to go get ready for work ( i make paninis now, btw ).

why am i worried now?
did someone make a fool of me
'fore i could show'em how it's done?

jungle water

calm down
your cupid's bow lips
your shoulders are
moving, tiger-striped
you'll find yourself another
slip into dark jungle water
you're bobbing your head
_________________________

inedible

i was eating juniper berries
strange and bitter
and felt my own shadow
cold and atwitter
break into small pieces
some of which attacked
with no warning
with no sounds
and i was still eating
juniper berries
when i was found
_________________________

also, not sure if i ever posted this, and i'm too lazy to go and check.

or if ( somebody out there loves you )

somebody out there loves you. they may not know why they love you but they do. they don't care that they love you they just do and they're happy they love you and they're going to love you for a long time. they're going to tell their children and then their grandchildren about you and how much they love you even if at that point they've known you for years and you've died or are still alive or even if they don't even know your name or your natural hair color or if you like dancing or if you're religious or if you can't read or if you love to read or if you don't like to read or if you rinse out the sink after you brush your teeth or if you can't have children or if you have eczema or if you're allergic to cats or if you drink too much alcohol or if your dad is married to your mother's sister now or if you sleep alot or if you don't keep your underwear drawer in order or if you like anchovies or if you're arrogant or if you don't give yourself enough credit or if you're just completely lost but enjoying your backstroke through life or if you have to be sure about everything or if you're a liar or if you bite your fingernails or if you've never gotten a ticket or if you collect magazines or if you've never really loved another person or if you've loved trillions of other people but those people didn't love you back or if some people did and you were still blind to it. somebody out there loves you and they may not know why they love you, but they do.
___________________________

not a big fan of the second one. in fact,  i think i may hate it. the only reason i posted it is because i did spend time on it and who knows, maybe somebody will convince me otherwise. be honest though.
 

johari:
http://kevan.org/johari?name=smallish%20woman

nohari;
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=smallish%20woman
 

let's see what happens.

and you will gain everything.
 

.. uh, right?

in five days, i will have been alive nineteen years. the prospect doesn’t bore me, i’m not jaded or indifferent to birthdays. in fact, i’m rather excited, but i’m a little afraid to even get excited about it, because things rarely turn out the way we want them to. but nineteen is my favorite number ( along with four ), so i’ve decided that this is going to be a good age for me, and hopefully it will be.

tonight, i was given watch over another person. not like a watchdog or a bodyguard, but like some kind of monk or wise person that is made to hang around, in case their good judgement is needed.

my sister was invited to the movies by a boy she met at a skating rink last night. it wasn't an ice-skating rink, which, although i'm bad at, i prefer. rollerskating rinks tend to smell sour and everywhere but the actual skating area is sticky. they're fun, but i prefer ice-skating rinks. i guess i'm talking more about preference of venues here, as opposed to hobbies.

the boy was sixteen. my sister turned fourteen yesterday. whether my mother sent me along because of their age difference or simply because it would be my sister's first one-on-one-outing-but-not-a-vocalized-date with someone of the male persuasion, i'm not sure. his name is josh, i think.

i saw a different movie than they did. quantum solace, the new bond movie. it was good. i like the bond films. when i left the theater, the theme song was playing loudly, and in my black peacoat/bomber jacket ( this is my only means of accurately describing it ), i felt very much like a spy. like a person with an agenda, but also a person who was very casual about that agenda. their movie lasted longer than mine, so i waited near the ticket-taker's podium, trying to look impressive, but not really feeling impressive because i realized there was a bottle of gatorade in my purse.

it bulged, making my purse look not like a purse and more like what it really was: a bag. a bag in which i carried all the things i was naturally afraid or conditionally made to be afraid to leave my home without; gum, toothbrush, toothpaste, a book, an ipod ( which, up until last christmas was a CD player plus two CD cases ), my wallet, a small notepad, two pairs of sunglasses, a cellphone. the gatorade wasn't a necessity, but i'd stuck it in my bag in order to assure my mother that i wasn't going to need to buy anything at the concession stand. so i stood there, a worrywort and a pack rat in a put-together skin, but still feeling like a spy as i waited, waited, waited. duh-nuh nuh-nuh nuh-nuh-nuh ..
 

whenever i'm healing from a sore throat, i don't sound like 14 year-old singing.

maybe i ought to start drinking tequila on a regular basis.

it's something i've always wanted to do, but have somehow never been able to. there is, of course, my slight apprehension about going alone for the first time. i have never even been in a catholic church and would not know what to do and what not to do. ideally, i would just like to slip in unnoticed and sit quietly the entire time. i doubt i would take communion, i just want to be there.

unfortunately, my only semi-close catholic friend lives hours and hours away. so, the trouble is finding someone who:

• isn't particularly busy on christmas eve ( be it with family parties, etc. etc. )
• also wants to sit someplace completely unfamiliar through something they may or may not know anything about
• can at least vaguely appreciate the service, even just asthetically. i'm not necessarily there for some divine re-awakening either.

whenever i bring it up to people, most shy away ( with some, you'd think i was suggesting a three-way ) or don't really seem as enthused about the idea as i am.

now, granted, i'm not as well-versed in the catholicism ( or all religions ) as i'd like to be, the overall subject has never ceased to interest me. what i do know, i've read from textbooks, seen in documentaries and have been told by other people. i have yet to dedicate myself to reading any sort of sacred text, but that doesn't mean my curiosity is waning. my general attitude towards religion in general is difficult for me to explain, even to myself. the term 'agnostic' is a godsend ( pun not intended ), simply because i can't entirely consider myself an athiest, but i can't commit to any sort of faith either. i'm on the fence, and i just want to feel the peace i think can come from sitting in a dimly-lit catholic church on christmas eve, through the purported hour of christ's birth, etc. etc. this is my holiday wish.

i feel like feathers
on the back of a bird
i feel like the feathers
stuck back in third
the sun kicks a football
over some trees
and i just feel like feathers
on the back of a bird
on the back of some bird

i'm cracking walnuts
with a wishbone
i'm cracking walnuts
how should i have known
jupiter's cheering loudly
over this crowd
and i'm just cracking walnuts
with a wishbone
with a wishbone

by amy


please and thank you.
criticisms and interpretations appreciated.

this time though, i actually have a clear definition of what this is about for me. i'm proud.

her eyes are full now
nose in the corner and
she's quiet when she thinks of him
you are quiet when you think of him
he used to talk
to strangers

i thought we could share that
but while her nose is in the corner
you are thumbing yours at me
and my eyes are empty
i am talking
to strangers

hello, summer
we meet again, my sweat inducing, fiery foe.
the only thing you are good for is allowing me to swim
and making shady agreements with our AC to break down
only in the dead-middle of june.
what you have promised him, i do not know.
_____________

a picture from long ago

when with my first
stumbling breath
i was dreaming
only dreaming
where she stole
winter coats
and i told you how
much i wanted you
you are a picture
from long long ago

- by amy
___________________

i am going to see an orthpedi .. cian ( i call him/her "the bone doctor" ) sometime this week ( hopefully, though i am in doubt ). first, i have to find one nearby. then, i have to make an appointment. why? i'm certain i have something called "snapping hip". the symptoms are as follows:

"Snapping hip syndrome (coxa saltans, iliopsoas tendinitis or dancer's hip) is a condition characterized by a snapping sensation when the hip is flexed and extended." 

ergo, not something you'd need doogie howser to diagnose.
the only term there that leaves me with even a remote sense of bizarre pride is "dancer's hip".

now, from what i have read, there are two basic types of snapping hip: the kind that doesn't cause pain, and the kind that does. i can tell you now, for obvious reasons, that i have the sort that causes pain. i read very little about the kind that doesn't cause pain. as for the sort that is accompanied with pain ... the outlook is grim. maybe i didn't read enough ( though i spent 2+ hours researching it ), but i saw that this: http://www.prolotherapy.com/prolodefine.htm was a popular treatment.

my immediate response was a healthy: "HELL NO." as injections do not tickle my fancy. in fact, i am almost deathly afraid of them.

i am partially scared to death of going and finding that this is the only option. however, i also want to go in hopes that there is something else i can do to help that way i can continue doing to dances i want to do ( tahitian, ballroom and tap ).